Out of Nowhere

So, it happened.

Pieces are coming together of this puzzle. Or rather, I am learning bit-by-bit what the Holy Spirit is teaching me with patience and diligence. I felt as though He wanted me to invite someone to speak into my life, and so I invited Pastor Kathryn who declared an amazing, confirming word over me that she could not have known. This has activated a much more specific and dynamic seeing and prophetic gift, just in the last week. I also found someone locally who is a respected prophetic voice in modern charismatic circles who has written extremely practical books and articles about learning how to operate in this gift. I went to go see her Sunday.

But Friday, something happened that I had a notion just might.

My husband and I were faced with a situation in which we realized that an attack was underway. This wasn’t just some little incident, and I felt I was to blame.  I felt ashamed that I had let my husband down.  I was embarrassed, shocked, confused, saddened, and felt blindsided.

Yet, not really.

While most seasoned experts offer differing experiences in this gift I’m pursuing, one theme is pretty common: The personal, private, public, and spiritual attacks on your life and those the lives of those you love. The enemy does not want your gift in operation, and he will do everything he can to take you out.

The first time I read about this weeks ago, I silently wondered to myself, “What could the enemy really attack me with? I don’t DO anything. I’m a quiet pastor’s wife, and I work my little job, and I minister.” The Holy Spirit nudged me gently about a few different things, and I kind of waved my hand at it, as if to say, “Naaa.”

Wow.

I should have paid attention to that still, small voice. Because that’s exactly what happened. I got called on the carpet on both those issues that the Holy Spirit had brought to my attention the last few weeks. I feel like a mountain is being made of a molehill here, and there have been some miscommunications, and perhaps even some outright attacks, but I have admittedly left the door open for these in my procrastination and failure to take this part of the process seriously.

I am a three-walled city, as Bill Johnson would say, and my fourth wall has holes in it that I have allowed to compromise my security and integrity. Furthermore, I felt responsible for allowing myself to be vulnerable here, so I was in despair for a few days, crying out to the Lord for mercy. I wondered if He would just let me be ashamed because I was pursuing this gift. And how dare I do so, when I have left myself vulnerable like this with these little foxes that spoil the vines? These thoughts of despair I have not had for years in my walk with the Lord. I have not for a moment felt shame or condemnation. And I certainly don’t feel condemnation from Him. I was feeling self-condemnation, self-loathing, a real sense of “You idiot!”

I also feel a sense of betrayal. I pray for the people involved in this difficult situation regularly, and I think I might be one of the only people in their entire lives who pray for a few of them. I have tried to be in unity. I work very hard. I work all the time, more so even than I probably should, and I try to find balance.  But, I made a mistake.  Some of this is admittedly my own dumb fault for not listening to God.

I went through many different emotions the past few days, and it took some serious repentance, an inward look, some consecration, and submission to the Lord. The trial isn’t over. This morning, which was my first day back after the incident, I received even more of the sordid details of what seems to be going on to make this huge problem in my job and ministry. And this goes much more deeply than me simply leaving a door open for compromise. I truly am under attack. I am being lied against. I am being exaggerated against.  Someone thinks what they are doing to me is protecting them.  Someone is deflecting.  Someone is envious.

I am trying so very hard to keep my mouth shut and just let the Lord vindicate me. I know I have screwed up in some areas, but by far, my motives are pure, my heart is good, my hand is diligent, and I work very hard here. I know that the Lord does not allow people to abuse and attack me openly without acting. He will not allow me to be put to shame.  He has shown me this repeatedly my whole life.  I will not doubt Him now.

Having said that, I have come to terms with the fact that, if I lose this job, it will be the Lord moving me on to something else, something better and with an even greater opportunity to minister and provide for and mother my family.

Yesterday, I spent the day reading, “The Making of a Prophet” by Jennifer LeClaire. Sunday, we visited the Awakening House of Prayer, where she is the lead minister. This book has really opened my eyes about the “making process” and how the Lord works to remove the character defects in the one developing this gift. This attack is such a powerful confirmation of the vision I had of the Lord who has repeatedly told me He is going to remove all these character defects from me. He is doing just as He said He would. And He is making me.

It really hurts.  Initially, it hurt because of the shock that I could lose my ministry and job because I did not listen to the Holy Spirit.  It hurts now because, in my heart of hearts, I want to minister to the Lord.  I want to be that watchman.  I want to be with Him in the garden of His heart, and hear His voice.  And how can He share with me, if my walk is open to corruption because of small compromises?  How can I listen to His heart if I hear His voice telling me to do something, and I just act like I never heard it?

I cried out to the Lord the other day, and He heard my cry. He is doing the next necessary thing to ready me for the next steps. I submit to this process. I have had the most genuine sorrow and repentance in my heart that I have had in such a long time, and while I do not like it, it has resulted in a quiet joy that I feel securing my peace on the inside of me. All day I have felt it, even in the midst of the ongoing trial.

I don’t know what is going to happen, but Lord, this life is yours. My life is in YOU, Lord. My gifts, my passion, my reason for living. My ministry, my family, my heart. My marriage. My future. My past. My finances, my health, my self-image. All of this is in you, by you, for you, and for your glory.

In nine days, it will be one year to the day that the gift of Seeing in the Spirit, which I have had since I was very, very young, was reactivated for God’s glory.  In nine days, it will be one year to the day that I have been pursuing this gift, being mentored lovingly, patiently, by the Holy Spirit.  I feel like this last bit, these last few days, is like a crucible of highly intense pressure designed to seal in the purity of this year’s journey.

If the enemy thinks for a single moment that I am going to abandon my journey, lessen my pursuit, fall by the wayside in weariness and despair, or betray the gift giver, then the deceiver truly is deceived.  There is no way in hell or heaven I will give up now.